Sh*t No One Tells You About Being Pregnant (A More Accurate List)

I had my baby in January 2018, and let me tell you I have read a thousand “Things No One Tells You” articles. Towards the end of my pregnancy I realized there were some things worth mentioning in my experience that these articles failed to mention:

Let’s open up immediately with a WTF, shall we? Why does this happen? How could a person possibly think it’s okay to treat a grown-ass person this way? Once while I was at work I was eating pizza on my lunch break. A woman who worked in a different department than I did walked up to me and said “OOOOHH awe you eating yo pizzah ?” Y’all. I wish I made this up. I don’t think I even answered her because I was so stunned.

That was not the only incident. My job at the time was hostessing in a hotel restaurant, and in my later months I sat in a chair behind my podium. Sometimes I would use the podium to prop my feet up because dammit you all know why at eight months pregnant I propped them up. Someone walked past me and said “You westing yo wittle toesies?!”

I pray you don’t experience this. Apparently having a baby inside of you makes you a baby. I don’t know the science behind it but definitely ask your local scientist how that happens. 

The horrendous acne, losing feeling in your feet, bleeding gums, pretty much anything strange that happens to your body while pregnant is probably because you’re pregnant. I can’t tell you how many times I spoke to a doctor with concern about something and they just went “Yeah”. I would go to the chiropractor once a week (if this is doable for you I HIGHLY recommend it) and at one point I had completely lost all feeling in my left heel. I brought it up, obviously concerned about nerve damage or something. So I said “I’m losing feeling in my left heel” to which he said “Probably” ........ well, bud. Can we fix it? Being pregnant and gaining so much weight so quickly puts pressure on your back. My daughter is almost six months old upon writing this and my left heel is still a little numb. Other mommies online have told me it takes awhile but someday my heel will feel again. Always be sure to bring symptoms up with your doctor, as frustrating as it is to get a shrug as an answer it’s much better to be safe than sorry rather than having missed something that your doctor needed to know.

Has anyone who gives this advice ever ACTUALLY slept while pregnant? Like, I get that babies drain away your life when they’re brand new and need to eat every hour. And beyond that if the poor little kiddo ends up being a poor sleeper. But sleeping through the night while pregnant was impossible for me. Even with the pregnant pillow. It worked in my second trimester. That’s it. Not my first. Not my third. It’s nuts. I would wake up at least twice a night to pee (Sidebar: I am positive pregnant women pee so much not because of the pressure of baby on their bladder but because the minimum daily water requirement is insane). THEN I would wake up at least three MORE times because my side would start to ache from all the weight and I had to roll over like a beached whale. That’s a minimum of waking up five times in one night. I’m sure I don’t have to explain how that is hardly restful. I was constantly napping because I couldn’t get more than a few hours sleep at a time. And it doesn’t prepare you for the baby either, you just get more tired. 

Wow all I did was complain and now I say this? What’s up with that? Basically, once people find out you’re pregnant they treat you like you’re made of glass. “Don’t lift that!” “Sit down!” “Let me get that for you!” If you’re anything like me it was quite infuriating at first. But then you get used to it/are so miserable the last few months you’re glad people do stuff for you. Then for some reason when the baby comes out and a tiny life is in your hands all of those things are gone. You have two days in the hospital of help and then BYE FELICIA! Even though your body has been through hell and back suddenly you’re not so delicate. Even though there’s stitches down south and your tailbone is sore and you are more exhausted than you’ve ever felt in your life after pushing for hours and your hormones are rampaging and your baby doesn’t care if your nipples are cracked they need colostrum NOW... you don’t seem to get as much sympathy and help from those people that were so nervous to let you carry your groceries before. One of the chefs at work that always wanted to chat with me whilst pregnant (his wife recently had a baby) suddenly had very little to say. And when I mentioned how exhausted I was it weirdly became a competition with him. I suddenly felt very lonely when a lot of the people who took a daily interest in me didn’t ask questions anymore. It’s a strange transition that if I can plant the seed to prepare you for I feel as though my job is done here.

This list is relatively short because, unfortunately, everyone’s pregnancy is different. Someone out there experienced nothing on this list. Someone out there has experienced worse. The best advice I can give is listen to your doctor, find things that work for you, and have a sense of humor. That’s what saved me at the end of the day. Also remember you’re a freaking superhero for making another person. You go supermom.