Be Patient and Be Present

Y’all let me tell you. Being a parent is literally 100% pressure. A parent has to be able to provide for their child financially and emotionally.

Parents have to feed them the right food, keep the house clean, keep the clothes clean, keep the child clean, somehow document all of this for memories 50 years from now, make sure they excel without putting TOO much pressure on the child, get them in after-school activities, a thousand other things I’m sure I’m forgetting and on top of it all now there’s the added pressure of social media and everyone else raising their child with different “styles”. 

This pressure was too much for me.

Throughout my pregnancy and the first half of my child’s life I was so worried I would mess things up; "ruin her” somehow.

I know a good part of this was my postpartum depression whispering in my ear. Telling me that I was a terrible parent. Moms on the Internet that I turned to for a sense of community and reassurance turned that whisper to a shout.

There was a point when I was so paranoid about my daughter’s sleep regression (a very common occurrence at 3 months old) that I watched her sleep in the dark like freaking Smeagol trying to figure out what I was doing wrong that caused her to not be sleeping. Pro tip: watching someone sleep like a crazy person is most likely not helping them sleep   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Looking back on it now is like looking at a completely different person.

In a lot of ways, I am a different person now. I have found resources that eased my mind. Some things I had noticed about children in my ten years experience working with them finally fought to the forefront of my mind.

I can’t really say when the 180 flip happened...I had to let go of a lot of control when it came to being a mom. I went back to work when she was three or four months old as a server in a restaurant. By the time she was six months old my milk supply was suffering and we had to introduce formula to her diet. 

My plan was to keep giving her breastmilk until she was two because that’s what was most beneficial for bonding and her development.

There is zero time during a rush in a restaurant to pump milk. None.

My feet, back, and breasts were aching from the long hours of standing and not being able to pump. She was waking up two to three times a night because she was hungry and my supply was fluctuating so wildly. The stress and fatigue caused me to be so impatient with my loved ones.  

I had to give up my plan.

I comfort-nursed her until she was about 13 months and we quit completely. I don’t regret how it went. Would it have been nice to not have to spend money on formula? Duh. But I am no less bonded with my daughter than I would have been and she is perfectly healthy and wildly intelligent.

I learned an important lesson about compromising, about letting go of something not only for my health but for my daughter’s health. It wasn’t just about her nutrition. It was about the fact that I couldn’t be the best mom and co-provider for her possible if I wasn’t sleeping and was in constant pain. 

Things really have come together in her second year.

I thought the twos were going to be more than terrible. You want terrible twos? Every morning there would be two tantrums over brushing her teeth. She would let our high-pitched shrieks every single time she was told “no” WHICH IS A LOT IF YOU KEEP BREAKING THINGS. I was at my wits end. I bought a timeout mat and was SUCH a hardass about her behavior.

Then I found a book called “No Drama-Discipline”, it was a game changer. 

The long and the short of this book is: it’s not that children WON’T behave. It’s that sometimes they truly CAN’T behave.

Their developing brains can’t process things like adults can, and it’s our job to be a kind and understanding force in their life to guide them as they learn to navigate the world.

I’m an answers person (see: creepy sleep stalking to try and find answers) and for me being told “when she is having a tantrum, her stress hormones need to be brought down. Do this by doing skin to skin contact and raise her happy hormones” was like hearing angels singing a chorus from heaven. THIS BOOK WORKS.

It was hard at first, and sometimes it doesn’t go perfectly, but since approaching parenting with the mindset that my toddler’s behavior is a cry for help and not an act of defiance, my patience has increased 1000%.

Which brings me to something I noticed all those years ago I took care of kids that weren’t mine:

Kids just want your time.

Sure, building blocks and iPads are nice. But at the end of the day they want their parental figure to be there.

They want to share with them, to go to them when they’re sad or hurt, to teach them new things, to read with them, they just want us to be there for them.

So all those days I wept at home feeling like I wasn’t enough, I was. Every kiss. Every cuddle. Every silly face. Every teaching moment. I saw endless moments in childcare where a child just wanted their caretaker’s presence. And somehow I had forgotten that. 

While my parenting style keeps modifying it will always be the same at its core: Be patient and be present.